The Finals Week Blues

I always get this way around finals.  Completely bummed and not able to bring to the surface any desire to do ANYTHING.  I get completely overwhelmed by any and every thing.  It's not that I am sad that another semester is so to be past, it's that it can not be finished soon enough.  I want to go home so badly right now.  I don't want to study Spanish anymore.  I gave up on trying to get an "A" in Research Methods.  My Abnormal Psychology class is a joke.  I am a senior in college.  This blows.  Isn't college supposed to be the best time of your life?  I am constantly swamped with paving my way to the future while my present is spent in constant anxiety and irritation.  I have no tolerance for things that I think are a waste of my time.  Due to that, this semester has been horrible to barrel through.  I want to be a Mental Health Counselor and I chose a university that only offers ONE undergraduate class in that area.  Ugh.  I don't want to do research.  I have no interest and no talent what so ever in that area and yet I am forced to take two classes in which I have done well in both but could not tell you a thing I have learned.  What a waste of time and money.  I am twenty one years old.  I should be at my prime.  Instead,  I am thirty pounds over weight, constantly stressed out, and not having fun at all.  I am doing what I am suppose to be doing.  I'm not getting in trouble.  I am on a path to success.  Why does this suck so bad?  Will it get better once I graduate or will that then be even worse?  I always look down on those who choose not to go to college and are seemingly doing nothing with their lives but could they be right?  Living life to the fullest right now?  Or is that even life to the fullest?  Temporary highs and living at home with their parents?  Ugh.  I just want to be doing what I want to be doing with my life.  Taking classes about things that I care about with GOOD professors.  Not ones who tell you you don't need to buy the book and "lecture" off of a Word document.  This semester seems like a rip off.  One more stinkin' week.

This is such a negative post.

I am grateful to be in college.  I am grateful for the great friends that I have made here.  I am grateful for my amazing church and the awesome people in it.

I just feel like I am in a rut.  That is why I moved away from home, because I felt like I was in a rut.  Now I'm in another one.  

I really miss theatre.  I acted in a student film project these past couple of weeks.  It was really tiring and tedious but it was so much fun.  I really miss being around theatrically creative people.

Ugh.

Two semesters until graduation.  I can do this.

Bitter Sweet Sinphony

As my lonely, numbered days continue to slip by,

I think of you because you are the only thing that makes me feel alive.

My love for you reminds me that I have a soul.

It reminds me that there is a beating heart under this skin.

So alone, I stay with no place to feel at peace.

I am an outcast with nowhere to fit in.

Oh! But when I am near you,

I feel the warmth of home!

When you look into my eyes,

you set my soul on fire.

The soul that is alive because of the idea of you.

The irony of our friendship cuts the blood from my very skin.

Your addictions cloud your vision of the true reality that stares you in the face.

Your addictions kill us both but it is my own that is the true murderer.

For my addiction is you.

Will you love me?  Oh you could care less!

Our temporary highs hold our lives at bay.

When they are gone, conviction burns deep through layers of our sin.

Where is our savior?  When will this end?

Oh how I long for the day when the sound of your name

doesn’t make my heart race.

The day when your smile won’t turn my insides into

birds the flutter around my rib cage.

Until then I must repent of the sweetness of your sin.

I must bury myself in prayer

and wait for the promise to be fulfilled.

Only then will my soul truly be alive

and my heart truly at peace.

... and Justice for all.

Tonight Courtney and I went to see "Pineapple Express".  It was a hilarious movie and we had a ton of fun telling jokes through out it.  After the movie, we were walking back to my car when we saw a group of people yelling.  We stood and watched for a moment to see if there was about to be a fight.  Myself, being the Psychology major that I am, instantly thought of the Kitty Genovese case and the bystander effect.  While everyone else was waiting excitedly for a fight to break out, I was thinking of a way to safely break up the fight if it were to occur.  I automatically push open my phone, and say to Courtney that I think I should call 911.  I wasn't sure it was the best idea because no crime had yet occurred.  I just thought that if I did call and something did happen, the police when get there right in the nick of time.  By now, a good sized crowd had formed.  Courtney and I stood and watched for a moment.  Nothing seemed to be breaking out so we decide to continue walking back to the car.  As soon as we walk away, the yelling starts to grow loud again.  By now I was thinking, "Alright, time to call 911."  I dial the number and quickly hang up.  I was afraid that I was being over dramatic and I was not getting a lot of support for this idea.  As soon as I turn around to wait for Courtney, who was still watching what was going on, I see something fly through the air and hit a young man (who was not involved in the argument at all, in fact he just happened to be walking up at the very moment the object was thrown) in the face.  As he falls to the ground, the 911 operator calls me back and I proceed to tell her the events that just took place.  

 

My point in writing all of this is not to tell the story of an eventful evening or to toot my own horn for wanting to break up the situation.  My point is this: how do we expect to receive justice from this world if we do not give justice to this world?  As we all stand idly by and watch events such as this happen, we are doing an injustice to our fellow citizen.  We need to be the ones who must step up and stand out to serve one another.  Take the initiative.  If you see a situation such as this happening before you eyes, do something!

Further more, watching events such as this is called emotional pornography.  It feeds one of the most disgusting part of our sinful hearts.  We are desensitized to brutality.   Not only desensitized, but we crave it.  We would rather watch a person get hurt than stand up and try to prevent it from happening.

I hope that who ever reads this will take this information to heart.  We must stand up for one another.  We must stop injustice if we our selves want justice.  Please stand out of the crowd and stand up for what is right.

If you really knew me you would know...

That my mom died when I was 12.  She had serious addiction to prescription pills that finally caused her to go brain dead.  Growing up I constantly had to call 911 for her because she would collapse or be completely non-functional.  There were many times where my mom would be driving me home from school or to another location and she would be unable to drive.  By God's grace, we avoided many car accidents.

I have always been the type of person who didn't want any sympathy.  I just figured that it was something that happened in my life and that was that.  I never missed not having a mom.  I never really understood what was going on or that this wasn't normal.  I just dealt with it as if it was like getting up and brushing my teeth in the morning.

After my mom died, my dad was traumatized.  He dealt with this by finding and new girlfriend and getting engaged not even 6 months after my mom died.  With in the year they were married.  My step-mom was nice I guess, but she was one of the stupidest, uneducated, ignorant, tacky people that I have ever met in my life.  After 7 long years of my dad picking her over me, he finally came to his senses and divorced her.

Now, I am realizing all of the major effects this all has had on my life.  These events completely ripped me apart from my mom's side of the family.  I was so mad at them because they were so mean to my mom and I.  This also tore me apart from my dad's side of the family because my mom would be the one to contact them and organize events with them. There are no big family holidays.  Just me and my dad.  There is no one to decorate or clean my dad's house.  I hardly know how to clean or cook.  I don't know what a healthy relationship looks like between a man and a woman.  I have no one to call to receive empathy and understanding from when I am upset.  There is no one there to explain to my dad and back me up on why I am upset that he doesn't want me to have a room in his house for when I come home.  Although, when these things make themselves prevalent to me they tear me apart; I learn to deal with them.

I am a very strong person.  I always have been.  Just because I am strong, that doesn't mean that I don't need someone to lean on.  ---- This is something that REALLY pisses me off.  I feel like a lot of my friends don't understand this.  Many times I have gotten upset and tried to talk to my friends about it and they told me that I was a strong person and that I needed to stop crying and be strong. Another one of my friends pretty much told me that she couldn't deal with all of this baggage and now we don't really talk anymore.

Another thing that REALLY pisses me off, is that people that I have met here in Orlando don't even know about this.  They don't know because I don't want to tell them.  They don't know because they don't care to get to know me.  I have made many strides in trying to get to know people.  I have stepped out of my comfort zone like you wouldn't believe.  I have asked people about their lives, I have pursued people, I have really put myself out there with nothing but a superficial response.  People are more interested in who I am dating than how my life is.  

The last thing that really gets me is when people have pity for me.  Empathy and understanding are a completely different thing than pity.  I can not stand when the holidays come around and people say to me, "My family feels bad for you.  Do you want to come have dinner with us?"  I do appreciate the invitation, but it really isn't necessary to "feel bad" for me.  When you say you "feel bad" for me, it's like saying that you have something that I don't have; that you have something that is so much better than my situation. It's like saying,  "You don't have a family so here, wanna awkwardly pretend to be a part of mine for a few hours."  I know this sounds really harsh and I do really appreciate when people invite me.  I appreciate where they are coming from.  Just don't say you feel bad for me or act with pity toward me.  Although, it would be nice to have big family holidays, I am completely content with just me and my dad.  My dad is my family and that is how it has been for the past 8 years.  This is my life.  I'm no worse off from anyone; it's just a different situation.  I don't feel bad for me so there is no reason for anyone else to feel bad for me.

My Exciting Saturday Night.

Today I went to a workshop for the Adolescent Life Coaching Center from 9-5. I am a night owl so needless to say, I only got about 3 hours of sleep last night. My body is so exhausted but my mind is on fire. 
Today in the workshop, someone quoted Maya Angelou saying that we are more alike than we are different. I feel like this is a huge lesson that I have learned this year. I have walked through life thinking that I am the only one in the world who has ever gone through anything like what I went through. This is not at all true.
We watched a video for a program called Challenge Day. It is such an amazing program. If you have ever seen the movie "Freedom Writers," it's a lot like the experience that happened in room 203. They did an activity called the line game. Everyone would stand on one side of the line and then the speaker would say something like, "If you have ever experienced (fill in the blank), stand on the other side of the line." It was AMAZING to see how many of these kids had the same feelings and had gone through the same types of traumas.
Anyway, back to the Maya Angelou quote. Maya Angelou is a writer whose works keep popping their way into my life so tonight I decided to look up some of her quotes and poems.

-----------------------------------------------------------
We are more alike, my friends, than we are unalike

I note the obvious differences
in the human family.
Some of us are serious,
some thrive on comedy.

Some declare their lives are lived
as true profundity,
and others claim they really live
the real reality.

The variety of our skin tones
can confuse, bemuse, delight,
brown and pink and beige and purple,
tan and blue and white.

I've sailed upon the seven seas
and stopped in every land,
I've seen the wonders of the world
not yet one common man.

I know ten thousand women
called Jane and Mary Jane,
but I've not seen any two
who really were the same.

Mirror twins are different
although their features jibe,
and lovers think quite different thoughts
while lying side by side.

We love and lose in China,
we weep on England's moors,
and laugh and moan in Guinea,
and thrive on Spanish shores.

We seek success in Finland,
are born and die in Maine.
In minor ways we differ,
in major we're the same.

I note the obvious differences
between each sort and type,
but we are more alike, my friends,
than we are unalike.

We are more alike, my friends,
than we are unalike.

We are more alike, my friends,
than we are unalike

-----------------------------------------------------------
Phenomenal Woman

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me. 

-------------------------------------------------
When I say I am a Christian

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin'."
I'm whispering "I was lost,
Now I'm found and forgiven."

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
And need His strength to carry on.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
And need God to clean my mess.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
But, God believes I am worth it.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches
So I call upon His name.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner
Who received God's good grace, somehow!

---------------------------------------------------

"Love is like a virus. It can happen to anybody at any time."

"Nothing will work unless you do."

"Prejudice is a burden that confuses the past, threatens the future and renders the present inaccessible. "

"The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned. "

"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you."

"While I know myself as a creation of God, I am also obligated to realize and remember that everyone else and everything else are also God's creation."

"You can only become truly accomplished at something you love. Don't make money your goal. Instead, pursue the things you love doing, and then do them so well that people can't take their eyes off you."

"I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life."

"I don't know if I continue, even today, always liking myself. But what I learned to do many years ago was to forgive myself. It is very important for every human being to forgive herself or himself because if you live, you will make mistakes- it is inevitable. But once you do and you see the mistake, then you forgive yourself and say, 'well, if I'd known better I'd have done better,' that's all. So you say to people who you think you may have injured, 'I'm sorry,' and then you say to yourself, 'I'm sorry.' If we all hold on to the mistake, we can't see our own glory in the mirror because we have the mistake between our faces and the mirror; we can't see what we're capable of being. You can ask forgiveness of others, but in the end the real forgiveness is in one's own self. I think that young men and women are so caught by the way they see themselves. Now mind you. When a larger society sees them as unattractive, as threats, as too black or too white or too poor or too fat or too thin or too sexual or too asexual, that's rough. But you can overcome that. The real difficulty is to overcome how you think about yourself. If we don't have that we never grow, we never learn, and sure as hell we should never teach."

"everything has rhythm. everything dances."

The perfect song of the moment.

Earlier today I was trying to write a poem.. and then it turned into a song about how I felt about this certain situation.  Then I figured that it would probably be easier if I found a song that someone else wrote.  It is now 4 in the morning and after a lonnnnnnnnnnnnnngggg night playing Texas Hold 'Um and diving into my career by talking to someone about things in their life and after that torturing myself with the past, VH1 happened to play the perfect song.  Here it is:

Adele - Chasing Pavements Lyrics

I’ve made up my mind
don’t need to think it over
if I’m wrong i am right
don’t need to look no further
this ain’t lust i know this is love

but if i tell the world
I’ll never say enough
cos it was not said to you
and thats exactly what i need to do
if i end up with you

should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads no where,
or would it be a waste
even if i knew my place should i leave it there.
should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads nowhere

i build myself up
and fly around in circles
waiting as my heart drops
and my back begins to tingle
finally could this be it

or should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads no where,
or would it be a waste
even if i knew my place should i leave it there.
should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads nowhere

should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads no where,
or would it be a waste
even if i knew my place
should i leave it there

should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads nowhere

yeaaah ehh

should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads nowhere
or would it be a waste
even if i new my place should i leave it there

should i give up
or should i just keep on chasing pavements
should i just keep on chasing pavements

ooooohhh

should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads no where,
or would it be a waste
even if i knew my place
should i leave it there

should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads no where

Communication

Communication is the fuel of relationships.  Recently I have been having issues with communication with my loved ones.  I am not perfect at communication by any means but I know what it takes.  Knowing what it takes doesn't necessarily mean that I do it correctly at all times, but it does help enormously.

Here are some communication rules to follow:

-Don't wait.

Tackle the problem head on.  The longer you wait the more likely you are to resent the person in which you are upset with.

- Swallow your pride

99.9% of the time the issue isn't black and white.  There is almost always grey area.  You have played a part in this issue as well.

- Admit you are wrong first and apologize for it.

Admitting you are wrong first opens the door for the other person to be able to admit their faults.  This also will help them to not feel like the bad guy in the situation.  

- Use phrases like "I feel" instead of "You make me feel"

In all honesty no one can make you feel any way.  You are the one choosing those feelings.   This will also help to not make the person feel like the bad guy.  

- Be completely open and honest.

There is no point in trying to solve a problem if you aren't completely honest and willing to let it all out.  Holding things in or sugar coating them is only going to add fuel to the fire.   The more honest you are the better you will feel and the more likely the problem is to be solved. 

- Say things in a loving way.

Although I am a firm believer of not sugar coating the truth that doesn't mean to use harsh words or attack.  It means being honest.