If you really knew me you would know...

That my mom died when I was 12.  She had serious addiction to prescription pills that finally caused her to go brain dead.  Growing up I constantly had to call 911 for her because she would collapse or be completely non-functional.  There were many times where my mom would be driving me home from school or to another location and she would be unable to drive.  By God's grace, we avoided many car accidents.

I have always been the type of person who didn't want any sympathy.  I just figured that it was something that happened in my life and that was that.  I never missed not having a mom.  I never really understood what was going on or that this wasn't normal.  I just dealt with it as if it was like getting up and brushing my teeth in the morning.

After my mom died, my dad was traumatized.  He dealt with this by finding and new girlfriend and getting engaged not even 6 months after my mom died.  With in the year they were married.  My step-mom was nice I guess, but she was one of the stupidest, uneducated, ignorant, tacky people that I have ever met in my life.  After 7 long years of my dad picking her over me, he finally came to his senses and divorced her.

Now, I am realizing all of the major effects this all has had on my life.  These events completely ripped me apart from my mom's side of the family.  I was so mad at them because they were so mean to my mom and I.  This also tore me apart from my dad's side of the family because my mom would be the one to contact them and organize events with them. There are no big family holidays.  Just me and my dad.  There is no one to decorate or clean my dad's house.  I hardly know how to clean or cook.  I don't know what a healthy relationship looks like between a man and a woman.  I have no one to call to receive empathy and understanding from when I am upset.  There is no one there to explain to my dad and back me up on why I am upset that he doesn't want me to have a room in his house for when I come home.  Although, when these things make themselves prevalent to me they tear me apart; I learn to deal with them.

I am a very strong person.  I always have been.  Just because I am strong, that doesn't mean that I don't need someone to lean on.  ---- This is something that REALLY pisses me off.  I feel like a lot of my friends don't understand this.  Many times I have gotten upset and tried to talk to my friends about it and they told me that I was a strong person and that I needed to stop crying and be strong. Another one of my friends pretty much told me that she couldn't deal with all of this baggage and now we don't really talk anymore.

Another thing that REALLY pisses me off, is that people that I have met here in Orlando don't even know about this.  They don't know because I don't want to tell them.  They don't know because they don't care to get to know me.  I have made many strides in trying to get to know people.  I have stepped out of my comfort zone like you wouldn't believe.  I have asked people about their lives, I have pursued people, I have really put myself out there with nothing but a superficial response.  People are more interested in who I am dating than how my life is.  

The last thing that really gets me is when people have pity for me.  Empathy and understanding are a completely different thing than pity.  I can not stand when the holidays come around and people say to me, "My family feels bad for you.  Do you want to come have dinner with us?"  I do appreciate the invitation, but it really isn't necessary to "feel bad" for me.  When you say you "feel bad" for me, it's like saying that you have something that I don't have; that you have something that is so much better than my situation. It's like saying,  "You don't have a family so here, wanna awkwardly pretend to be a part of mine for a few hours."  I know this sounds really harsh and I do really appreciate when people invite me.  I appreciate where they are coming from.  Just don't say you feel bad for me or act with pity toward me.  Although, it would be nice to have big family holidays, I am completely content with just me and my dad.  My dad is my family and that is how it has been for the past 8 years.  This is my life.  I'm no worse off from anyone; it's just a different situation.  I don't feel bad for me so there is no reason for anyone else to feel bad for me.